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Jun
19
2021

Crying jags out of the blue

Posted by Gwen Adams on Sat 19th Jun 2021 2:20pm

I'm doing okay, but the craziest things keep intruding on my thoughts and making me cry. Today it's the fact that I'm going to die as a bald woman.  It wasn't long ago that I had a full head of hair that was long and shiny.  I didn't realize it then, but my hair made me feel more feminine.  It was a big part of my identity.  I have acute myeloid leukemia and had several rounds of chemo and other interventions in a failed effort to beat it  I hated watching my hair fall out day by day, so I finally just shaved it all off like ripping off a bandage in one quick go.  And it was fine.  Truly.  Except that today it hit me that I will die before my hair has a chance to grow back.  It sent me running for the tissues. 

I can have several good days in a row, then something sad will pop into my head  that sends me spiraling again.  Logically, I guess I'm just mourning what will never be.  It's probably normal.  These thoughts seem to come out of the blue though and I find the experience jarring.