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Added on Tue 17th Mar 2020 11:51am   Last edited on Sun 24th Oct 2021 6:51am

Paul Jacobs

In lieu of flowers?

Is this request tacky or acceptable?  I've seen it many times when the family and/or the deceased prefers to have donations made to a particular organization, church, or project rather than having flowers sent to the funeral home or cemetery.  What's the modern etiquette here?  

Added on Tue 17th Mar 2020 3:33pm   Last edited on Tue 17th Mar 2020 3:33pm

Randy Gillis

I think it's mostly seen as an acceptable alternative.  The only time I've heard people kick up a fuss was when they were directed to donate to a controversial and polarizing organization.  Not donating looked like you didn't care about the deceased or the family.  Opting to send traditional flowers instead looked like you didn't respect the wishes of the deceased and the family.  Donating to the organization as instructed was galling for those who didn't agree with the organization's mission. So, choose something that's meaningful to the deceased, but try to avoid anything that's terribly political or controversial if you can.

Added on Wed 18th Mar 2020 3:30pm   Last edited on Wed 18th Mar 2020 3:30pm

A.J. Patterson

I've also seen families who asked for donations towards the burial and funeral costs and I think that's okay too. Death is expensive and people are doing the best they can do.  I can't imagine judging a grieving family at a time like that. 

Added on Wed 18th Mar 2020 6:15pm   Last edited on Wed 18th Mar 2020 6:15pm

Paul Jacobs

That's good to know.  I'm getting buried at sea and there's no need for flowers.  I'd rather everyone just keep their money rather than making a donation or anything else, but I know I can't say that because it assumes others will care about my passing.  Meanwhile, my wife is afraid she'll be overrun by plants, and she thinks they might start to make her sad because they'll remind her that I'm gone.  Personally, I don't think I'm nearly as popular for that to be a problem, but then she has lots of friends so maybe it would become a jungle.  We've been debating about whether the request is acceptable, so thanks for clarifying it for us. 

Added on Sun 23rd Aug 2020 7:59am   Last edited on Sun 23rd Aug 2020 7:59am

Marcie Keel

I think it is perfectly fine to do this. I have even seen some requests for a child's or grandchilds college fund! If it is what you want, make it known. People are going to do whatever they want anyway. We've got a bunch of potted plants here now (from my gramps funeral).
Added on Mon 30th Nov 2020 2:59pm   Last edited on Mon 30th Nov 2020 2:59pm

Andrew Knowlz

I think more and more people are actually doing this. I think it is perfectly acceptable and I know I too will make this request. I don't care how many flowers are at my funeral. I would rather the money get donated in my name to a place I want to support.
Added on Wed 2nd Dec 2020 2:39pm   Last edited on Wed 2nd Dec 2020 2:39pm

Sean Zace

It's absolutely okay to do. In this crazy world, more donations are probably better. I even like the idea for college funds/scholarships in the deceased name to honor them and help someone else out. I mean, who needs all those flowers!
Added on Sun 21st Feb 2021 4:44pm   Last edited on Sun 21st Feb 2021 4:44pm

Edith Harrison

I don't see any problem with asking for people to contribue to a cause or the to the memorial service instead of giving flowers. I would prefer this, honestly. Flowers don't last very long, but a donation to a good cause is a way to honor someone's legacy in a more permanent, personal way. 

Added on Sun 24th Oct 2021 6:51am   Last edited on Sun 24th Oct 2021 6:51am

Jaclyn Beck

The will of the person matters in this situation, but there's no wrong action here. I wouldn't mind having flowers for my funeral as a preference, whereas some do it for the sake of tradition. If I'm well off, I'd be happy if my family would also donate to charity.